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You Don't Always Have to be Grateful
- Steph
- Nov 15
- 5 min read
Today is my birthday! Today I celebrate the first day of the last year of my thirties. Perhaps that wording makes it sound slightly macabre, like on my fortieth birthday I will simply perish into a pile of dust. That's not it at all. I mean, I can't know for sure though... I'm not certain.
I cannot say for certain that the last year of my thirties will be epic and amazing. I did however wake up this morning with #intention and, of course, #gratitude. That's today though, and today is easy. It's my birthday! We throw around the word gratitude a lot like it's going to fix our lives simply by saying, I am grateful. No. Just no.
It is not always easy:
I can say for certain that not every day will be easy. I will not be grateful for every day. No, I have lived long enough to know that I do not owe the Universe my unconditional gratitude. Some days in the future, though I cannot say for certain when, I will feel despair, anger, #burnout, and regret. I know this for certain because that has been a pattern, and that is how patterns work. Perhaps there are people out there who have not experienced this, but even babies are born crying.
The sun will always rise. Of this, I am certain:
There are days however when I wake up with my mind a little bit clearer. Maybe for a particular reason, or perhaps for no reason at all. My heart feels less heavy and I finally feel like I can take a deep breath. I know tomorrow may be easier still, because of intention.
That intention to let light win over the dark today. All the dark has power to do is cast shadows. The light only need to shine higher than before; the shadows disappear. I know that it does not always work this perfectly. Sometimes we lose. But when we do hold out for a brighter day, it is so worth it! That warmth on your face, and that air in your bruised chest and that feeling of being a warrior against everything that has tried to keep you down is worth it. I have lived long enough to see this. Of this I am certain.
I owe myself the gratitude I give to others too:
So I will not feel shame or guilt for not feeling gratitude for every day. I have been told I should and I respectfully decline. Some days, I just need to feel anger and regret. I will express gratitude only to myself in these moments, on those dark days. Not to the day itself or those around me who support me (that comes later). I have lived long enough to know it is my own strength and courage (yes, supported by others) that gets me through to the next.
Finally coming out of fight or flight mode:
And when the light shines high, so high that every shadow disappears, oh, you will see me grateful. Grateful to my family and friends, my job, my home. All of these things waiting for me on the other side of the tunnel, so to speak. They cheered me on or were simply patient, knowing that I am strong. I will have gratitude for that first sip of air, that first lungful that tells my body that I am ok.
Life will continue to show you...:
Turning 39 may sound like I have become quite cynical to the world. No, I've simply lived long enough to know that I do not owe the world anything simply for existing. There are, and always will be, ups and downs and we are allowed to pay respects accordingly. I have learned I am stronger than I once thought. I am smart enough to know where I am in the world. I am extremely grateful to be 39, and everything around me that got me here today.
... The times you do not need to show gratitude...:
Not everyone gets the privilege of their next birthday. This I know and I am indeed humbled and grateful to see today. Having the privilege of ageing is not to be taken for granted. I'm not saying be grateful for gray hair, varicose veins, and arthritis. That is just chemical and cellular decline. That stuff sucks. But acceptance will do. Acceptance that I am one day older than yesterday and that comes with change. I'll take it.
My biological father passed away in 2011. He was 48 years old. He had friends and family. It just simply doesn't last forever, and that can be scary.
No I am not coming to terms with my own mortality at 39 years old. I intend to live to be 100. I am simply not grateful for that dark day that the Universe finally decided to take my father away for good. I do not owe that gratitude. I miss my dad.
He never got to see me on my wedding day. I never got to introduce him to my dogs, or tell him about the next big step in my career. I'm not grateful that he died. It was a tough relationship with my dad, but I won't get too deep into it. He still deserves to be here.
...And when gratitude is everything...:
I am, however, grateful for perspective. My dad loved me. And even though love alone is not always enough, I am grateful for what he had to give me in his lifetime.
I am grateful for 39 years of memories to show me that good usually wins over the bad. Light overtakes the dark. The sun rises. But the bad is necessary. It demands you pay attention because there is a pattern.
Freedom would not be freedom unless once you felt trapped.
Gratitude for your friends and family would mean nothing unless you once felt alone.
That lungful of air would mean nothing unless you were once struggling to catch a breath.
Life would not feel so gracious unless we knew that it could be so fleeting.
Take this post how you will. Whether you see it as dark and grim, or inspiring and possibly a different perspective. Take me as you will, possibly spoiled and ungrateful. You may see me as incredibly lucky to have overcome all that I have, when others have not. I do too. I'm not naive. I know that it doesn't always work exactly the way I have described.
It's ok, you don't owe me an explanation, nor I to you. Just feel as you feel. That is sort of the whole point.
So #happybirthday to me! Today I have #gratitude and #intention. The sun shines high on my head. I have my family and my dog surrounding me and a cup of coffee. There are shadows (it is November after all), but they don't bother me.
I have lived long enough to know I will be just fine.
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