Grief in All of Its Forms Pt. 2 *trigger warning: death and loss

If you've made it this far, chances are you too have experienced the complex feeling of #grief. Perhaps you feel it every day, or you have pushed it out of your mind completely. I'm not here to judge or to explain what the exact right thing is to do with grief. It's complicated and I am not qualified for that. If you are struggling with grief or #coping, I urge you to visit Alberta health Services to access more resources on grief, or call 811.

This will be the second part to my post: Grief Gets Bigger, Not Smaller Pt.1 **trigger warning: death.

My experience part DEUX

I am willing to elaborate more on my personal experience with my own dad passing. There are a few key facts that may matter, but also you may just be curious. I was 24 years old at the time and his only child. My relationship with him is complicated. The quick version of that is that I did not grow up with him in my life. He left when I was maybe 2 or 3 years old I didn't really get to see him often, but we did visit, talk on the phone, and write letters. He passed due to heart complications from Type 2 diabetes.

The most important detail, is that I did and do love him. That's the complicated part. Am I angry and hurt because I deserved better? Yes. Am I working through it? Also yes. Please don't worry about me. My situation is not unique and my goal is not sympathy, it is simply context. This may seem like a lot of information, but it is relevant and it relates to the process, I promise.

Grief is loss, not just death

**trigger warning: pregnancy loss & pet loss

Knowing all of this information about my experience is my way of explaining the fact that grief does not just occur after someone important to you has passed away. Grief is often described a a great loss but as I had just described, I lost my father a long time ago. Far earlier than the age of 24.

I didn't know it at the time but I was grieving him every time he was supposed to show up for me and he didn't. I grieved every time I saw a father and daughter together and was reminded of what it was supposed to look like. I grieved every time I did see him and then he had to leave again. I also grieved when I eventually stopped caring so much (or at least I told myself I didn't care).

Then the aftermath of my dad passing away is a whole other complicated story. Don't worry, I am seeking help. I'm doing ok. But the fact is that of all the times he had to leave, eventually it was the last and final time.

So perhaps others out there have a similar story. Perhaps others out there have grieved a person who is still alive, but absent from their life. Perhaps you grieve the relationship you should have had with someone.

Trigger warning content:

Perhaps there are those out there grieving a lost pregnancy. Maybe those who lost a pet (I have more on this later).

Whatever the situation is, please know this: I do not know how you feel, but I am very sorry that it happened to you. It is okay to feel the way that you feel even if it isn't recognized or talked about enough as a form of grief. I reiterate that I am not an expert, but of this I can be sure. It is grief that you are experiencing and it is valid.

Grief is not just losing people

In all of my reflections of trying to quantify and qualify my feelings, I have determined one thing for sure. Everything counts and there aren't any rules on grief. If we are defining grief as a great loss then nobody, not even our doctors, lawyers, or whoever wrote those rules on "bereavement" leave in your company handbook can tell you what qualifies as such.

I am genuinely not trying to be flippant. A lot of people will argue that the loss of someone's loved one is not the same as losing a save file in a video game that you have been playing for years. But the fact is that if we are listing all of the things that people consider to be a great loss, then the feelings that one has around their lost time in their favourite hobby counts too. The point is, it is natural to go back to that one unknown aspect of grief, which is that we cannot say "I know how you feel". It might be better to say "I have a very similar situation and this is how I felt about it."

The things that we can never get back

**trigger warning: pet loss

This is my truth: grief can be lost time, lost money, and lost items. Grief can be the ending of things such as marriages or partner relationships, parental divorce and separation, or the loss of a friendship. One may grieve the ending of a job or career, or the loss of their vehicle after a car accident. It is valid to grieve anything that brought you great joy. Grief can also be the loss of a pet.

When I was about 5 years old I got my first dog. Her name was Cupid.

She meant the world to me in ways I cannot describe. She was scrappy and got into trouble all the time. She barked and got into the garbage. She shed her black coat over everything and she would slip out the door or yard to go on an adventure any time she could. And she was my best friend. At the time, I didn't have any siblings yet, so we did everything together. We played at the park and watched movies together. She helped me eat my vegetables when I was fully over it at meal times (sorry, not sorry to my mom). She was my best friend. When my sister was born, they became friends too.

Shortly after I turned 24 my boyfriend at the time and I adopted a dog (yes, that was a big year for me). Her name was Luna.

We did all the research! We watched videos and attended dog training classes. We looked into the healthiest local food source we could find. We essentially obsessed over her well-being.

And she was so well behaved! She would do anything we asked. We got to take her everywhere and people would gush over her gorgeous coat or how friendly she was. Eventually her and I went to agility classes for fun and we volunteered at long-term care facilities for pet therapy.

My dog Cupid.

Luna getting ready for her volunteer shift of pet therapy.

Luna was honoured to carry the rings down the aisle at my wedding.

The following section contains expandable sections that are completely optional to read due to sensitive trigger warnings. I understand that some topics are just too hard to read about or think about. Please know that I thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading about my story and feelings regarding grief. It is truly cathartic for me to share these things and to allow myself to be vulnerable. However it is nobody's responsibility to read this. If this is where you would like to end reading, I wish for you healing and love.

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If you do not want to read about pet loss, please feel free to skip this section.

You could say that these dogs showed up in my life at the exact right time that I needed them. But I believe you know how those stories go.

deep breathe

Cupid lived to be 18 years old. She lived an amazingly long life for a dog. I was in my last year of massage school in 2009 when we all had to say goodbye.

Luna lived to be 10 years old. It was sudden and unexpected. It was also the hardest thing I have ever done.

I know there are those out there who have experienced a similar loss. I am sorry.

More on my personal story of pet loss and grief

The details of their passing are inconsequential. I felt the loss of my pets as I would my own family members. I had originally planned to write that I felt worse about the loss of my dogs than I did about the loss of my dad. After having put it all down here, I have since changed my mind. What I actually wanted to describe is that the impact all of these events had on me was equally valid and true.

My feelings regarding my father passing away are complicated. As I had mentioned, I feel I had grieved him my entire life. After the passing of my dogs, my heart was broken. I felt like one of the few truly good things in my life were gone forever. They were the ones that showed up for me.

These are the things I can never get back. That is grief. It is messy and complicated and really hard to justify sometimes. Because yes, I believe we do feel the need to justify our grief sometimes. As I had said in my previous post, we are not taught properly how to cope with grief, nor how to help others. So I do need to explain that losing my dogs felt like losing a sister and a child, while losing my father felt like... I'm not sure exactly. It wasn't what most would expect. Perhaps the word is detachment? I wish I could explain it better.

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Will it get better? Inquiring minds need to know

I wish I could say. I can bet that those experiencing brand new grief just want to know when it will stop hurting. I do too.

I titled part one of this post "Grief Gets Bigger, Not Smaller" for a reason. It was not to imply that it keeps getting worse. Grief getting bigger means that it is becoming layered and nuanced. It means it changes us, most often irreversibly but not always for worse. Grief is survival. It is reminding us that there are consequences and we have to decide if our actions are worth it. Hurting so deeply when we lose something that we can never get back means that there was an immense amount of hope, joy, and perhaps love. That is a beautiful thing.

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard," A.A. Milne

Grieving things you never had is complicated. But in my own experience, I find it brings forward other things. When we honour that as a valid form of grief, we can then prove our own strengths in hope for the future. We can allow ourselves to open up to those who show up for us when we need them.

It doesn't always happen all at once. Sometimes it is such a slow trickle of these tiny doses of hope and support that you don't even realize when it happens.

Either way, your grief matters. It is not more or less than others grief because I would like to believe that in the last 7 minutes, we have agreed not to quantify our grief with other people's experiences or our own past experiences.

And as far as my own personal stories of grief go, I wouldn't use the word better. Indeed the word I use is bigger. It has allowed me to recognize that I was once a little girl who deserved more, but now I can continue to heal and love her. It has allowed me to see that I still have so many people in my life that love me and support me. It has shaped me in ways that make me a better person. And that to me is huge.

I am sorry to say that the hurt I have felt in my experiences has never gone away. It has only changed into memories. Memories that include love, joy, and hope. And although the loss of Cupid and Luna hurt me so greatly, in 2021 I adopted another dog. Her name is Aster. She came to me at the exact right time. That's how big the love is. I would go through the hurt again and again if it means I can feel that.

Me and my dog Aster on a camping trip. She's always down for another adventure.

Thank you again to all who have made it this far into my journey. This was definitely healing and cathartic in writing my most personal moments and feelings on the internet for all to read. I truly appreciate those who allow me to connect. I can only hope it removes stigma around mental health and loss. If it has in any way helped or even brought positive reflection, then I am grateful that my words have that worth.

To all of you out there, I wish you healing and bright days ahead.